Princess Tea Party: Good Manners for Children

Here is my script for presenting a lesson on good manners for Princesses at Tea. Give the girls time to respond to each "rule" for an interactive and fun experience. No one at any age likes being lectured at and not spoken kindly to. Use your most upbeat and happy voice.

Good afternoon, Your Royal Highnesses. I’m sure you all know that Princess must have the best manners of all the people of the land. Let’s talk about some good manners we should always use.

Can anyone tell me the Three Magic Words? (Be prepared for albracadabra and bippety boppety boo. Allow the girls to answer and hopefully you’ll get the correct responses.) That’s right, the Magic Words are: please, thank you and you’re welcome! A sweet Princess will always use these words. At a tea party, a Princess is often asked "one lump or two?" (Use a bowl of sugar cubes and sugar tongs to illustrate. Have each girl ask the question to her neighbor and have the neighbor answer with the magic words "one, please," followed by a "thank you" and the girl with the sugar, reply with "you’re welcome." Pass the sugar bowl all the way around the table so each girl gets a chance.)

Princesses should never be loud or noisy at the tea table. It is very rude slurp the tea or to clank the spoon against the tea cup. And certainly no Princess would ever burp at the table! (Show horrified face!) Here’s how we stir our tea: (demonstrate with your own empty cup and have the girls follow.) We never want to stir so hard we break the cup or slosh the tea over the side of the cup onto the pretty tablecloth.

When the Princess takes her seat at the royal tea table, what is the first thing she does? Yes, she puts her napkin on her lap. She stays in her seat and waits for the Queen to start eating. A Princess never sits on her knees on the chair or reaches over her neighbor for the salt. What does she say instead? "Please pass the salt, Beth." (Allow the girls to practice asking for things to be passed.)

Did you ever see a Princess eating mashed potatoes with her fingers? (They’ll all say noooo.) That’s right only babies eat with their fingers. Hmmm, but wait; aren’t there some things that we can eat with our fingers? (See if the girls can come up with anything. If not, remind them of sandwiches, grapes, cookies, bite-size pieces of celery or carrots, etc. You might make a game of this by asking fingers or fork and then naming various foods: Fingers or Forks, spaghetti; Fingers or Forks: a celery stick and so on.)

One of the nicest parts of any Royal Tea Party is being able to chat with other Princesses. Every Princess should try to join in the conversation with something nice to say. BUT make sure you let every Princess at the table get a chance to talk. When one Princess is speaking, don’t butt in. Wait for her to finish.

When a Princess visits another royal palace for tea or dinner or just to play, she must always respect the King and Queen. Always say hello to the Princess’s mom and/or dad when you arrive. And when you leave, thank the Queen. It is especially kind to tell the Queen that her food was good. You might say, "Thank you for inviting me to tea, Mrs. Evans. I loved the brownies." (Again, go around the table, letting each girl use her imagination about a food. Smaller girls might not be able to say the entire sentence but let them play along by just mentioning a favorite food.)

I believe our tea is ready now, Princesses. Remember all the things we talked about so you can show what a lovely Princess you are inside and out.

Tea Etiquette

A lot of people today seem to be making a living from selling tea etiquette. There are entire books devoted to this subject and long chapters in most every other tea book. Tea etiquette lecturers proclaim that they are experts, trained by some prestigious-sounding institute. And page after web page tells us how to behave at teas. To all this I say, "Nonsense!"

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate good manners and a broad working knowledge of etiquette. But make it practical, make it relate to real situations, don’t try to make rules for the sake of making rules. I like the etiquette of "don’t gross out your dining companions." You know, don’t chew with your mouth open, don’t put your used napkin on the table, don’t mess your food around on your plate. And I appreciate the etiquette of formal situations; this keeps everyone on the same page. At a funeral when everyone is distressed, no one needs to think of what to do, the rules of etiquette take over.

Do we really need a rule of etiquette that tells us not to touch the side of the teacup with the spoon? Common sense and even absent-minded observation tells us that the teacup is delicate and clanking against it with a spoon might damage it. And why must it be prescribed which way the teapot sits on the table? The hostess should be able to reach the handle easily, nothing more.

And then there is always the pinkie question. So many teacups have either tiny handles or no handles at all. A tea drinker might find it more comfortable to extend her pinkie--that shouldn’t elicit snickers from her companions. Who cares!

The owner of a Brighton tea shop called the Tea Cosy was recently made fun of by a London newspaper writer for having a list of rules on how to behave in his tearoom. There, being critical of the royal family will get you kicked out as quickly as slurping your tea. A tearoom close to me in the US used to state in their ads and web page that "Tea is a dress up occasion. Hats and gloves are not mandatory but they are appreciated." Then a long list of banned clothing followed. In both cases, the owner is trying to foist his fantasy onto his customers. It is up to the customers whether to buy into this silliness or drink tea somewhere else.

My rules of tea etiquette are the same as my rules for any time one eats in public: don’t make a mess and don’t annoy your dining companions, be gracious, be kind, be upbeat.

Dos and Don’ts for the Firefly Tea Buffet

Even though it is tempting, don’t invite more guests than you have seating and by seating, I mean a chair and a place at a table. I know some people are quite adept at eating while sitting in folding chairs, balancing their plate and iced tea on their knee but I find that pretty risky. The guests, after all, were asked to wear white.

Seating guests at tables also allows you to set the table ahead of their arrival. Napkins, silverware, and iced tea glasses should be in place. Just before you ask everyone to sit down, place the gazpacho and set a basket of the White Cheddar Scones and a little container of Chive Butter on each table. Keep the scones wrapped warmly in a napkin. Pour the iced tea now or fill the glasses as you visit each table. Keep a pitcher of water on hand too in case someone doesn’t want to drink the tea.

Your guests will finish their soup and get up to go through the buffet line in naturally staggered times. Be sure to place the tables and chairs so there are clear paths to the buffet.

Your buffet doesn’t have to fit on just one table. Use a separate table for desserts. Let everyone see what’s coming up next! You might use a small table to hold pitchers of tea, ice and water.

On the table itself, vary the height of the serving pieces. You can slip a box or big can underneath the tablecloth to elevate a dish but don’t do too many of these or your table will look awkward. Use your footed cake stands and yes, this is the time to use your three-tiered trays.

A few Dos and Don’ts for the Hostess:

*Don’t use paper plates, cups or plastic forks.
*Don’t bring foil trays or dishes that the food was cooked in to the table to serve from.
*Do have extra napkins.
*Do offer sugar, artificial sweetener and lemon on the tables even if you prefer your tea without those things. This is about making your guests comfortable, not pushing your own beliefs. (I add this one for myself.)
*Do pull your teenage kids into service. They can clear the soup, help keep the tea glasses filled, remove the plates as everyone goes for dessert and clear the tables when everything has been eaten. If you don’t have your own kids, borrow a neighbor kid, your niece or nephew, a couple girls from church, it shouldn’t be too difficult to find teenage help.
*Do keep a roll of paper towels and a dish towel or two handy but out of sight.
*Do serve the food if someone brings it as a hostess gift. That is, if there is enough to go around. Proper etiquette says you don’t have to do this but why risk hurting someone’s feelings by not using what they brought. Yes, even if it is Watergate Salad. Being kind and generous outweighs having a perfect buffet table.
*Do try to relax and enjoy the party. A nervous, fussy hostess will make her guests uncomfortable. The people you invited are your friends and none of them will be upset if they have to wait a few minutes for a tea refill.

Dos and Don’ts for the Guest:

*Do ask if the hostess would like help but if she says no, please believe she means no.
*Do stay outdoors unless you need to use the restroom. Don’t hang around inside when the hostess meant this party to be outside.
*Don’t bring food to the party unless you’ve cleared it with the hostess first. She’ll probably welcome your vegan-glutton free-no peanut-diet delight but give her warning. She’s probably already set her buffet table. Don’t make her scurry around at the last minute.
*Don’t annoy the hostess by asking “What’s in this?” unless you have an allergy that will send you into anaphylactic shock. If you want the recipe, you can ask her tomorrow when you call to thank her.
*Do try to be in an upbeat party mood. Do think of something interesting or funny ahead of time to contribute to the conversation if you aren’t a good spur-of-the-moment speaker.
*Do be receptive to tasting new foods.
*Don’t bring booze; this is a tea, not a BYOB party. The hostess might indeed serve something alcoholic but that’s totally her call, not the guest’s.
*Do look for signs that the hostess is ready to say goodnight. And say goodnight.
*Do write a thank-you note the next day or at the very least, call the hostess to let her know how great everything was. She’ll really appreciate it and you’ll be invited back again.